F@€k Cancer

Some days I feel broken, other days I feel like I have it all together. I honestly feel like I have been to hell and back a few times in these last 8 months. I have been battling severe depression and anxiety. I realized I needed some professional help and started to see a therapist. But what I didn’t realize is how much pain I was/am in until then, and also after attending a retreat recently. This was a vulnerable step for me, because I am always one to say, yes I’m fine or I’m okay. But really deep down I wasn’t. I have been given some great tools to use for coping with life after cancer, that I will probably have to use for the rest of my life. Although, people think after treatments that you can just move on and go back to life before cancer. It just doesn’t work that way. I also thought that’s how it was going to be. But unfortunately that is not how it works. If it wasn’t for my cancer I wouldn’t have these issues come up, it’s exhausting. But I also wouldn’t have realized my worth.

See, since being diagnosed with cancer I have realized that I am worth more than I see myself and I am learning to love myself for the first time in a long time. I have hated myself for a long time and have felt guilty for what this cancer has done not to just myself but to the people in my life that matter the most.

There is always that fear of “what if” and I’ve been through the “what if’s” way too many times these last 8 months. But, I am learning to let go of fear and to only control what I have control over. I will be going in for a partial hysterectomy and gallbladder removal at the same time in the next week. I will be glad to get these parts removed but there are days, I ask myself, when will this end, I AM TIRED. The answer I keep giving myself is, God will not give you more than you can handle! Well he must think I’m a badass! I pray a year from now that I’m in a better place mentally and that there will be no more surgeries, because let’s be real, I don’t have much left to remove after 8 surgeries. Pretty much going to be hollow 🤣 (I crack myself up)

My new motto, ~When life hands you lemons, squeeze that shit yourself, stir it up and drink it! This is my life and I will be the only one to stir it~

Live your best life y’all!